Everyone wants to be heard, they want a voice.  It allows them to be a part of something, to have a say in things.

The problem is the question really should be “Are you listening to me?”

You see, listening to someone means you are paying attention to what they are saying.

As leaders, we need to listen more than speak.  But that is a very hard and difficult thing to do.  You see as leaders, we think we need to give advice or direction.  After all we got to where we are because someone heard us speak.

When people speak we are often thinking of what to say rather than paying attention to what they are actually saying.  But if we could focus on what they are saying, we might learn something new, something we really need to hear.  Maybe even something that will help our team become more successful.

As Stephen Covey once said “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.”

For me, while the person is talking I can hear them but I am too busy thinking of an appropriate response to actually understand what they are saying.  I get it wrong far more than I get it right.  I try to focus on what someone is saying to me, but my mind goes into response mode before they are done speaking.

You often hear that we have two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that order.  Can you listen twice as much as you can speak?  Easy concept but really hard to do.  My people often remind me I use them in reverse order.  I speak more than I listen, even though I try to listen more than speak.

So as a leader I challenge myself to listen more than I speak.  Can I be the last person in a meeting to speak, so that I can listen first?  So that I can benefit from the conversation.  So that I can be engaged in the conversation.

Why is it important for a leader to listen rather than speak?  Well as a leader we need to be connected to what is going on and our people know far more about that then we do.  They will be more than willing to let us know, if we show we are interested in what they say.  If we don’t listen, soon our people won’t bother trying to tell us what we really need to know.  And that is critical to the success of our team.

It is also important not to defend our actions when others perceive them as contrary to what we should be doing as leaders.  We may miss something very important if we try to defend rather than understand.  When I hear something that is critical, I need to dig deeper rather than defend why my actions are acceptable.  It’s hard to accept the perception from someone that you need to change your behavior, but if you are willing to listen everyone can benefit.

I need to ask the question “Tell me more about that”, rather than “let me tell you what it’s really like.”

I once heard there are really four responses to a question.  They are “yes”, “no”, “you’re wrong let me tell you how it really works”, and lastly, “that’s interesting, tell me more”.  I find I have a much more valuable conversation if I concentrate on the last response rather than any of the first three.  While my mind might be more willing to say one of the first three, I need to focus on the last one.  It drives a much richer and deeper conversation.  Being curious rather than defensive is the best response.  I am always surprised on what I get in return.

So, my challenge to you is:

• Listen twice as much as you speak.
• Listen to engage the other in a conversation, rather than to respond.
• Be curious as to what the other person is saying. Ask follow up questions.
• Listen to learn, not be heard.
• Challenge others to do the same.

The Dalai Lama once said “When you talk, you’re only repeating what you already know.  If you listen, you may learn something new.”

So, if you enter a conversation with the intent to listen and learn, you may be onto something here.

 

Allyn Vaughn